STRUGGLING!

I am struggling with this thing called weight! I know what I need to do to get rid of the excess but I don't want to! I just want the end results....do I sound like, Phoebe, my 2 year old or what? I need to get myself together before starting anything though because I am truly tired of this whole merry go round that I have been on. I WANT OFF!

My friend posted today that she is feeling like a marshmellow stuffed in a pen cap today, I can totally relate as this is how I have been feeling lately. I had sucessfully lost about 30 lbs but quickly regained them and am back to weighing more that I did after both of my kids. I am turing 40 this October and had planned on being thin by then...oops. I guess my plans need more than dreams to kick them off.

I did make an appointment with my MD to be sure that my lab work is okay before undergoing anything, I want to do this the correct way and be sure that it will last. Now I know that it won't just disappear, but I would like to deposit it into the bank of fat forever. Small deposits weakly would be just fine. Inside my head is screaming, "I don't want to give anything up". Anything being food....what is my problem???

needing to make a real change!

I am sitting here in front of my computer knowing that I really need to make a change, but so far have been resistant. This past January, I started to follow an organic, gluten free diet....I felt wonderful! Then I stopped. I am not sure why exactly I stopped, but I did. I really feel like I need to get back to that person I was in January, but am morning the loss of all the baked goods that I love so much.

Just a little history, I have always loved food. I have successfully followed Weight Watchers, only to gain the weight back. I did follow the Overeaters Anonymous diet, essentially no flour no sugar and the weight fell off me....only to fall right back on. This past fall, my eczema was out of control. All the doctors would prescribe for me was topical steroids, which being applied to your face isn't good. I started talking to people who have eczema and no longer have symptoms. They all had one thing in common, they were gluten free. So I started to research gluten...I learned that I have many of the symptoms of gluten intolerance or possibly Celiac Disease. So I decided that I would start my gluten free diet after the new year. I did great, felt wonderful and oh yeah the weight was starting to leave me :)

Then something happened and I started eating gluten again. It wasn't like I was feeling deprived. Actually, I had tried to add it back into my diet and found that I had horrible stomach pains and diarrhea, my eczema would start to weep and bleed. You would think that would be enough for me to learn that I shouldn't have gluten. But noooooo, I am a little slow on the uptake and start eating my old ways in a vengence and now I am sitting here miserable and gearing myself up for the diet change that I truly know works for me.

My current symptoms include, bad eczema in and around my ears, exhaustion beyond what it should be considering the amount of sleep I get, irritability/overall moodiness and constipation, oh yeah and my roseacia has come back, and I have started to gain weight again.

What is it going to take to get me back onto the healthy lifestyle that I want to live and feel better? I am going to be 40 this October and would like to be feeling better and back to running. I am working on my foot pain so that I can start walking and ultimately running again. But the diet is an area that I am fighting....why???

Getting back on track

Well...I am trying to regain some control of my eating. I was doing so d**n well then whamo! what the heck happened. My friend asked me what I was afraid of??? well, I can't seem to figure that out but I need to move on and continue on this journey of weight loss and reclaiming me! First and fore most for me, but also for my kids. I don't want them to grow up watching me struggle with weight loss for the rest of my life. I don't mind them seeing me struggle to maintain my weight because I believe even the thin people do this.....that is why they are thin and I am not! Enough with the negative talk and poor food choices and just plain gluteny. I had reached 228 lbs and have been maintaining, but today the scale was up, only a 1 1/2 but it is up and this isn't going to be the beginning of the gain but the beginning of the loss! My son is having sugery in the morning, the weekend will be my time to regroup my thoughts and focus my energy to healthy choices and start anew. I know I can succeed at this and want to get back to running and living a healthy life. I just need to keep my focus! I am not sure if anyone reads these, but they help clear my head.

Well, off to read my book during a little quiet time! Yeah for me@!

It's a learning process

235.4lbs.

Well, I didn't wake up one day fat! Why do I continue to think that the process will be easy....eat less, track the input and try to increase the exercise. Well, I certainly didn't wake up one morning and try to put my clothes on and find that rather than a size 12 I am actually a 20. No I got there honestly and happily eating everything in site. I have been struggling the last few weeks because I was faced with some family stuff that I had been ignoring for a long time. Well, I now have to face this and I realize that I have no control over other people and their choices. My husband is going through a tough realization and it scares me. So what do I do? Well, I turn to the fat/sweet/gooey and cruchy therapist that I have used for years.

My challenge this week it so acknowledge this habit and try to identify the feelings and thoughts before putting food in my trap mindlessly. I'm not saying that I won't eat the things I am craving but hopefully if I identify the feelings I may beable to pass by the cookie dough. (although sometimes it just tastes really good!)

My goals for this upcoming week are to continue to track honestly, eat within my points and hopefully increase my activity. The weather is supposed to be pretty crappy, so I will definately try but I certainly don't see myself heading out in the cold and nasty rain to walk! But hey, you never know.

This weekend is Mother's Day. The husband doesn't believe in the "Hallmark" holidays, but I hope that he has heard my hints and at least trys to get the kids into a little something for me and my day. I mean, I did get the day off, that should tell him that others think its an important day. But I am trying not to get my hopes up. Well, off to my last 2 points of the day...a 2 pt Ice Cream Cone...now that is something to look forward to.

Sometimes life really sucks!

Week 4 has been challange! Many things have come down upon me and my family this week. My husband is struggling with his personal challanges and is finally asking for help. We celebrated Addisons 5th birthday with his friends and the next day with our family. Needless to say...stress and exhaustion turned me back to food as a coping mechanism.

I woke up today and restarted my resolve to us food a fuel first....the day went well. I am trying to give myself a little break...everything that has been happening over the last month is taking its toll...I need to take some down time to care for myself and my needs. Blogging is one of those things that I want to do for myself...just to get all the stuff out!

So today I journalled, stayed within my points and threw out the rest of the damn cake. No one but me eats the stuff...and I am paying money to loose weight, therefore the cake is gone. I am going to weigh in in the morning. I am ready for little to no weight loss this week and likely next week too. As I read early on- I am treating this as a pregnancy when you want to not be pregnant any longer you can just throw in the towel, you need to continue through the whole nine months (God willing). My due date isn't until December 30th....I will come back after weigh in on Wednesday and update.

Oh Crap! I mean to sit down and blog every night...but then the kids go to bed and I am done! Anyway, I am on week three of my WW program...I have had 6.8 lbs off to date. Tomorrow is meeting day :@ I am actually excited to see how things are going. I feel like I have been doing things well...but Easter was yesterday...so I now have candy around that I wouldn't normally have. I have been writing down everything that goes into my mouth and I did get some exercise points today....Hey I didn't get this fat can overnight...I have to give myself some time.

243lbs

Well, so far things are going okay! First week down and on my way. I was really pleased with the weight loss, just starting to get crazy...figuring out how long it will take to meet my goals if I loose 2 lbs/week. I have to stop this thought process, it will just set me up! I am not sure if it is purely because I am soooo tired. My daughter has yet another cold and hasn't been sleeping through the night again. I have also picked up some extra time to cover vacations at work. I am trying to keep focused but at times loose sight of the big picture-> a life without weight obsessions! I truly hope that when I reach my goal weight that I will be very aware of where my weight is and keep it within a 5 lb range! My aunt manages to do this nicely and it makes everything easier when you only have 5 lbs to loose vs the 80lbs I am facing right now. Well, off to surf for inspiration!